Aisle Considerations: Part I | Mutual Decision Making

Happy Wednesday, Lovelies!

Today I have a deeeep topic for you—pre marriage counseling.  I’m Catholic, and to get married in the church, we’re required to go through pre marriage counseling.  Yes, I’m Catholic, but you’re not going to hear preaching from me.  This is about counseling, not the Catholicism.

This will be yet another multi-part series on things to consider before heading down the aisle.  Aisle Considerations: Part 1.

Mi Amor and I went to an Engaged Encounter.  I’m nearly sure that at least one person from each couple was Catholic, but there was a big mix.  My randomly-assigned roommate, for instance, was already married to a Hindu.  They had the Hindu ceremony in India, and they were prepping for the Catholic ceremony state-side.  Post Vatican II (1962-1965), Catholics can marry non-Catholics in the Catholic church.  Yep, even Protestants.

I showed up to the Engaged Encounter weekend (like 20 hours of counseling), kind of dreading the time I had to checkout of my life, but happy to “check the box” on this requirement to get married in the Church. 

Things changed fast.

We met with many couples and heard a lecture mutual decision making, and suddenly I realized Mi Amor and I had discussed nearly every issue that could come up, but we:

Talked passed one another

Didn’t have agreement

And made decisions like “married singles”

Dun, dun, dun. 

Yes, we have an amazing relationship, but is it the relationship that will hold us a lifetime?  We would discuss issues, come to differing conclusions, and then decide Mi Amor could do things his way, and I could do things my way.  We could have separate banking accounts.  There was no need to reach a compromise on the amount of risk to incorporate into 401k saving strategy. He could discipline the kids his way, and I could discipline the kids my way.  I could decorate the house how I wanted, and he could have a man cave.

And as single parents, I would have complete control over the day-to-day operations of “MY” child and he “HIS.”

Wow, this is not how I wanted to live my married life.  In my early 20s, sure.  No one was tying me down.  Now, in my 30s, I was finally ready for a “union.” Where we move forward with one, joint vision.  How do some of you catch on to this in your 20s?

In mutual decision making, you are both accountable for the outcome—mutual accountability.  So, you discuss investment options for your 401ks, and you come to an agreement.  If the market fails to the detriment of one spouse’s suggestion, there is no “I told you so,” because you agreed to it.  You are BOTH on the hook.  You fail together and you succeed together.

As single parents, we can’t give our children a traditional nuclear family: parent-parent-child.  And, there will always be outside decision-makers, but we can give our children something much better than: parent-child | parent-child.  Mi Amor’s daughter will only benefit from the love, care and guidance I can give her.  My 3-year-old daughter is only strengthened when she grows up in a household with a unified parental front and consistent rules and expectations between children. 

We grow to love each other’s children more and we try to erase the line, as much as possible, between MY children and YOUR children.  More in another part of Aisle Considerations.

And isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?  If your partner’s 401k fails, what good is an “I told you so?”  Does it make you feel better, ya jack ass?  Feel better about losing money for YOUR OWN retirement?  Because his money is yours and your money is his.  In the retirement home, when his 401k runs out, are you going to withhold yours because “I told you so?”

No. You two are in this for the long-haul.  Failures and successes.  I told you soJ