Book Report: The Five Love Languages | Virginia Photographer

Happy Friday, Lovelies!

And oh, what a lovely day it is. After years of working away, I can no longer accrue personal leave until I use some. Ahhh, I'm loving this day with my beautiful girls.

A few months ago, my BFF recommended I read "The Five Love Languages." Mi Amor and I are still love newbees, so my first response was--naaah, that book sounds like it’s for people with problems.

I recommend that you download the book and listen to it with your partner whether your newly engaged, happily married, or your relationship is on the rocks.  Heck, even to my single lovelies out there!  The premise of the book is we all have 'love tanks.'  When we first start dating, our love tanks are full, but over time, they can empty if we are not loved in our love language.
 


The Love Languages:
 
 

• Words of Affirmation: Some people feel loved when they hear affirming words from their partner. "You cook the best dinners!" "You look fantastic in that suit!” "Thank you!" People who love with affirming words can feel unloved when the words don't come.  A woman getting all hotted up for a date with her husband may feel rebuffed, for instance, when he tries to make a move on her at the end of the night even though he hadn't complimented her all evening.

• Physical Touch: Some people feel loved through physical touch. Holding their hand, kissing, and intimacy are all extremely important to these people. These people feel unloved when they aren't touched. Being shy about holding hands or kissing in public can cut these people deeply. 

• Gifts: Some people feel loved or not loved through gift giving. My initial response was to assign materialistic qualities to these people, but the love language is more complex than it may appear outwardly. To give a love gift, you have to understand, think and plan. True, a person who speaks the gift love language may accept a beautiful pink Porsche, but if they had their heart set on an eco-friendly and vegan 10-speed, gifting a Porsche will probably hurt them, not make them feel loved.

• Quality Time: So, you may say "oh, you're such a hot wife” as you run out the door; leave sweet love notes on her pillow every morning; and make sure the trash goes out on Tuesdays.... But she's still not happy? She may be a quality timer.  Some people feel loved when you listen and spend time together.  Watching a movie and snuggling (**not** editing photos, I’ve been advised) is very important and “loving” to these people.

• Acts of Service: To people who love through acts of service, doing things for them makes them feel loved.  Maybe it’s making dinner.  Maybe it’s sanding a table.  To people who feel loved through acts of service, not doing these acts makes them feel unloved.

As Mi Amor and I listened to this book-on-iPod, we would stop to discuss, occasionally argue or rewind.  It was a great roadtrip book.

Mi Amor is definitely a physical touch lover.  Within minutes of our first date, Mi Amor was holding my hand.  Now, if am on my phone, carrying bags, and balancing a teakettle on my head, I feel like the old adage “got a match?”  Mi Amor looks at me with puppy dog eyes.  He wants to know touching him is more important than the tea.

People needing to be touched in order to feel loved was a concept was something I needed to hear from someone other than Mi Amor.  It didn’t make sense to me when I heard it from him.  Yes, touch is important, but with all the stuff to **do** in life, I felt like it was lazy or needy.

So, if you haven’t guessed, I’m an acts of service lover.  My last relationship deteriorated because I was always **doing** for the family, but that was not how my ex wanted to be loved.  I’m thinking he was a words-of-affirmation-type probably mixed in with some quality time. 

I wasn’t giving any words of affirmation because I thought he was lazy.  I didn’t feel loved because he wasn’t **doing** anything for the family.  He probably didn’t feel loved because I had grown to dislike him and thus didn’t compliment him.  I was **doing** the work of two people in what I thought was a compensatory and loving act while being a new mom—there was no quality time.

I think this book could have quite easily saved Mi Amor and me from problems down the road.  He now understands my need to “do,” and I understand his need for touch.  Mi Amor gives me acts of service such as refinishing a mantle for me for my Christmas present and standing a speckled wall and painting it into a chalkboard wall in our kitchen.  He really makes me feel loved and happy!

I’m trying to fill his love tanks as well, but for that, lovelies, we’ll speak offline and over cocktails.